April 17, 2012   65 notes

How To Suck A Dick

A kind reader (http://better-than-me.tumblr.com/) asked me to put together a companion post to go along with our “How To Eat A Pussy" guide. So we did. With a vengeance. It’s meant for novices and advanced amateurs alike. Happy cocksucking!!

First off, full disclosure: I’ve never sucked a dick. I’ve only received dick suckings. So I don’t know if this disqualifies me from giving advice on how to give blowjobs; but I do remember the best blowjobs I’ve gotten over the years (I have the sexual memory that would make an elephant blush. Like, I can’t remember where I put my car keys, but I can tell you all about that time I fucked my girlfriend in her closet when I was 17), and they all seem to share certain characteristics. Also, more disclosure: I’m not obsessed with getting my dick sucked. In fact, I’ve almost always used it as a means to another end (i.e. P in the V). And out of the hundreds of times I’ve had my penis in someone’s mouth, I can still count on two hands the number of times I’ve actually cum from them. Anecdotal evidence from both male and female friends makes me think I’m an outlier in this regard.

Moving forward… First thing’s first…

1. Don’t suck a dick just because you think you have to! If you’re not into it, there’s a reason you’re not. Either you’re not ready, he doesn’t deserve it, or, I don’t know why. Only you do. It doesn’t matter. You should not think of a blowjob as a one-man act. If it’s not enjoyable for you, if it feels like a chore, or something you’re doing so he doesn’t expect to fuck you, put the dick down. I’m good at eating a vagina because I crave and enjoy it just as much as she does. If you’re not enjoying yourself it’s going to be shitty, and you’re probably going to feel shitty afterwards. No guy “deserves” anything from you. 

Okay, now that you’re fully onboard the cock train and you’ve got your little ticket punched, we can get into the good stuff.

Many people plainly view a blowjob as a submissive act. And while, yes, it certainly can be, (“face/throat fucking”) I would argue that at its core a good blowjob properly executed is a form of dominance that rivals most any other act. With a dick in your mouth, you literally have a man by the balls. You are in control. Don’t forget that during all of this. Whether you’re on your knees or on top of him, you are in control. And if he’s trying to force his dick down your throat, pull him out if you’re not into it. If you are into it—if you want to be the submitter—by all means, choke on it. Gag until you think you might pass out. 

2. Eye contact. If like women love eye contact while your mouth is fucking her, dudes love love it. Fewer prettier sights on the planet. Don’t be afraid of the dick. It’s just a dick. The best blowjobs don’t usually have to do with what’s going on physically, but mentally. The way she looks at you, yes, but also the way she holds your cock. The way she smiles at it and moans while she’s looking at it in her hand.

3. Feed his sex ego. If he’s got a huge dick, tell him. If he doesn’t have a huge dick, don’t tell him he does. Just say something like, “fuck, I love your cock, Eric” or “god, you’re so fucking hard, Eric” (if his name is Eric. If his name isn’t Eric, call him by his specific name, like Trevor or Gary or whatever his name is). I talk a lot about destroying the male ego, so this may seem like a contradiction and you’re probably calling all my credibility as an important internet-sex-advice-giver into question. However, I think that a good bit of confidence and ego in bed is a good thing. In fact, I think a case could be made that sexually insecure/inadequate men go about causing a lot more problems outside the bedroom than a properly-educated, respectful and confident fuck machine ever will.

Almost every shitty misogynist is at the core just an insecure little boy who never learned how to love or receive love. Remember that. And there’s a difference between the cocky swagger of an overinflated ego (think Guido, for example) and the subdued badass with a big dick who knows how to permanently roll your eyes in the back of your head. When you find this man, you’ll know it. He will probably change your life.

4. Spit on his dick. I don’t know why we like this. We just do. Probably because it’s dirty and a little degrading, which are two key ingredients to great sex. Make a mess.

5. Rub your pussy. Maybe it’s hard to multi-task, but we also love this. Put your finger inside and put it in our mouth so we can taste how wet you are.

6. Do it unexpectedly from time to time. Your guy will never object to this. If he does, dump him because the ungrateful prick doesn’t deserve a girlfriend so willing to blow him on a whim. The only exceptions are for a (close) family relative’s funeral or the ninth of a (close) baseball game. There is no room for debate on this!

7. Focus on the head. It’s really just a really big (hopefully) clitoris. But be careful, too; it can be just as sensitive as yours.

8. Play with his cum. Spit some of it onto your tits and rub it in.

Blowjob date ideas: the car (you’re new here, aren’t you?), a department store dressing room (duh), a movie theater (ok, duh), on the couch while you’re watching a depressing documentary about polar bears dying of diabetes caused by high-fructose corn syrup being dumped into the rain forest by Monsanto (narrated by Al Gore and Morgan Freeman), a busy highway overpass, a museum, an airplane, a greyhound bus, the back row or cry room of a church, a Rick Santorum rally.

After you’ve eaten his cum (#1 hottest option), or left it on you (#2 hottest option), or spit it in the garbage and puked (least hottest option), spread your legs and make him go down on you. Even if you don’t feel like cumming and want to go to bed, do it, even if it’s only for a minute or so! If you don’t you are setting a bad precedent. You are saying… your orgasm is more important than mine. Your pleasure takes priority over mine. That sounds like a recipe for an unsatisfying sex life to me.

Now be sure to send in shots of our advice in action so we can post them here. Together we can make the world a better place. One little orgasm at a time. Happy fuckings! — IFB

PS… bonus NSFW illustrations.

  1. frackensexandstruggles reblogged this from feminist-submissive
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  6. iloveyoubutihatethiscity reblogged this from bajo-el-mar and added:
    I cracked up at this part: “Just say something like, “fuck, I love your cock, Eric” or “god, you’re so fucking hard,...
  7. xyia-papaya reblogged this from feminist-submissive
  8. bajo-el-mar reblogged this from feministboyfriend and added:
    New favorite blog? This entire...Pussy” post did,...my...
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  11. pearlsandserpents reblogged this from feminist-submissive and added:
    :D
  12. feminist-submissive reblogged this from feministboyfriend
  13. daily-sex-tips reblogged this from feministboyfriend and added:
    1. Don’t suck a dick just because you think you have to! If you’re not into it, there’s a reason you’re not. Either...
  14. 010511eji reblogged this from feministboyfriend and added:
    best thing i’ve read on this subject lol.
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