April 13, 2012   68 notes

How To Eat A Pussy: A Beginner’s Guide (or a refresher)

1. However makes her feel good, dummy! No two pussies are alike, yet all are similar, yet all are completely different! Confused? Good. Now go try some shit out.

2. Makeout with the pussy. Pretend her pussy is just like her mouth, only it doesn’t kiss back (usually), and it doesn’t have a tongue (usually). Otherwise the two are fantastically similar. If you are a good kisser, chances are you are a good giver of head (or, can be, with some effort and practice). This is, among other valid reasons, why women love good kissers. If you’re not a good kisser, you’re not ready for a vagina. Put your clothes back on and go back to first base.

If you are indeed a good kisser (don’t fucking lie to yourself, asshole), remember all the little things that go into a good makeout session: how you nibble and tease in the beginning—kissing under her earlobe a bit, biting her lower lip, licking her neck a little—then as you both get a little more turned on you kiss deeper, a little harder, a little more passionately, until you’re both locked in a mouth-fuck of epic proportions. Take all that and apply it to the pussy. Viola!

3. Don’t be afraid of the pussy. Pussies can sense fear. They are sensitive. If they feel that you are not fully ready for her, she will not open up to you like she should. There’s really nothing to be afraid of. Be confident. She tastes sweet. 

4. Eye contact. Look up at her while your tongue is deep inside her cunt; while your tongue is flicking across her clit. She loves it. Give her a smile. She wants to see you’re enjoying yourself. She’s worried you’re not. She’s worried you’re hating every second of this. Show her you love her cunt.

5. Don’t be overly aggressive. Her clitoris is the most sensitive part of her body. Just like you don’t want the tip of your cock hammered away at like she’s trying to beat Mike Tyson at the end of Punch Out!, she doesn’t want you treating her vagina in kind. That’s bad porn shit. Bad porn shit is bad. Listen. She’ll tell you when she’s ready for a bit more, stud.

6. Use your fingers. Again, not to fucking finger-blast her into orbit… to gently play. Pretend the pussy is a newborn kitten, if you have to. Pretend the pussy might die if you play with it too hard. Explore. Since this is a beginner’s guide, forget about the g-spot for now. Just forget it even exists. Pretend you’re still in T-ball. Learn the basics, and you’ll be hitting a 90MPH slider in no time. So no g-spot right now. For now, explore the folds, rub her clit, slowly tease her with your fingers. Let her taste herself. Let her know you find her taste sexy. Most women are conditioned by our culture to be ashamed of their bodies and their natural selves. If she knows you love her for it, it will turn her on to no end.

To this point as well, after your mouth is covered in her cum, come back up to her face and kiss her deep. 

7. There’s really no right way. I’ve been eating pussy for, oh damn, let’s see…over 14 years now. Almost as long as some of you whiny little assholes have been alive. And each time I do I feel as lost as I did the first time. The only difference now is that I do it with confidence, and I know how to listen for feedback. Look for signals. Experiment. Try. Fail. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

8. Don’t be disappointed if she doesn’t cum. Depending on your age, and depending on her body, she might not cum for you. It doesn’t mean you suck (it could), it doesn’t mean you don’t turn her on (you might not), it doesn’t mean you’re a sad pathetic excuse for a human being (you might be)… it just means it didn’t happen. If you make a big deal about it, if you shame her or make her feel bad about it, it’s going to be more likely not to happen again in the future because you had to go and be a giant douchebag about it. This isn’t about YOUR ego, buddy. It’s about her pleasure. Have fun with it. If you make it a burden or a chore, it’s not going to be fun for either of you. 

Relating to this last point, allow me to close in a Springeresque manner…

If you read this blog enough, if I’m able to do what I want with this thing, one of the main points I will come back to again and again is the need to destroy the male ego. All egos in general, but the male ego is, to me, a particularly vile creature. It is a weight we all men carry, tied around our necks, leaving us weak and shitty and unable to enjoy truly selfless love. The earlier in life you confront your ego, and do everything you can to destroy it, or at the very least contain it, the sooner you can laugh and accept and learn from your inherent shittiness (the real original sin of the patriarchy in which we all share), the sooner you will be on a path to a decent, happy, love-and-cum-soaked life. The sooner your inherent shittiness will start to recede.

Start learning to spot it when it pops up. Confront it. Repeat.

For more fucking advice, see also: Practical Things I Wish They Taught In High School Sex Ed.

Happy pussy eating! Love, -IFB

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